Hansel and Gretel
by ViciousCerealKiller
Summary: A rewrite, in script form of the classic Grim Fairy Tale.


**Hansel and Gretel**

An **Oblivious Productions** Rewrite

**Cast**

Hansel: Tyler

Gretel: Crystal

Mother: Laura

Warlock: Ben

Narrator: Jalisa

Narrator: Deep in the Black Forest of Germany lived a small and very poor family of three; a slightly insane mother and her two children: a young girl named Gretel and her brother Hansel. They struggled day to day, trying to coop with a lack of food and Hansel's unhealthy eating problem. The children's mother knew that her children did not deserve to suffer such an ill fortunate life and tried several times to solve this dilemma. However, due to her unstable mind, mother does not always know best.

Scene: A dark forest. Enter the mother stage right, a ragged woman with dry and kinky hair, and sallow cheeks.

Mother: (Wades through a still, murky pond) Just a little further children! (Yelling behind her)

Scene: Enter Gretel followed by Hansel from stage right, one thick haired boy and a tall girl. Their arms and heads are held above the water.

Hansel: (Struggling against the water) Either she's pulling the lost in the woods thing or (pulls his leg free of goop) she's trying to drown us.

Gretel: (Reaches back, grabs Hansel's hand, and helps him out of the pond) If she were sane I'd say she's trying to drown us, but she isn't so she's not.

Hansel: Oh, yeah. This makes four times now. (Reaches into his pocket and starts to drop pebbles.

Mother: (Says excitedly as she steps into a clearing) We're here! (walks around for a moment then turns to the children.) Now you two make a fire while I go find us something to eat.

Hansel and Gretel: (In a cheery tone) Yes mother.

Mother: Exits stage left.

Hansel: (Sarcastically) Come sister dearest and let's build a great fire for mother.

Gretel: (Claps bouncing on the spot) Oh lets! (Regains a serious face). Let's give her an hour head start.

Hansel: Why do we go through with this every time?

Gretel: In the hopes that one day, she will actually come back for us or lead us somewhere with food.

Hansel: (Looking to the sky) I doubt either will happen.

Gretel: Agreed.

Narrator: So the children waited until they were certain their mother was far ahead of them. They built a small fire, took two branches and turned them into torches. Then they began to follow the pebbles that shimmered at the light of fire. They followed the trail they made back to the lake, waded across it once more then picked up the trail on the other side and walked until they reached their tiny home. There one light is lit in the window and their mother sat perched on the rooftop, a bottle clenched in her hand.

Mother: (Speech slurred as she looked down at her children) My little darlings. (Stops and sways a bit) Where have you been?

Hansel: You

Gretel: (Elbows Hansel then steps forward) We were just playing in the woods mother. Are you well?

Mother: Oh yes, a little sober.

Hansel: (Mumbles) For now.

Mother: Children, go inside. It's late. I wouldn't want anything wicked to get you.

Hansel: Well, in that case. (Turns around)

Gretel: Grabs his arm and pulls him off stage right.) Come on you twit.

Narrator: As the children prepared to lay down that night, having forgiven their mother in their own way by leaving her in her own drunken world, they thought of the chores for tomorrow, cleaning the house, hiding their mother's alcohol and doing what they could to get, at the very least, a half decent meal. The days would pass and their most recent trek through forest was now far from their minds, or lack there of.

Hansel: Sitting on the floor of the kitchen. Whining) Gretel, I'm hungry.

Gretel: I know (Sweeps dirt out the front door.) I am too. Just wait a little longer and we can eat.

Hansel: I don't think I can make it.

Mother: (Standing off stage) Children! Come outside. I have something wonderful to tell you.

Gretel: Great, here we go again. (Puts the broom away.) Coming mother! (Pulls Hansel to his feet.) Come on. Go get the pebbles.

Hansel: (Groans then walks off stage left.)

Mother: Approached Gretel from stage right and meet in the center. Looking behind Gretel.) Where is your brother?

Gretel: He's finishing up his chores.

Hansel: (Enters from stage left with a bag in hand) Hello mother. (Smiles then pulls his sister back a bit.) We have a problem.

Gretel: What?

Mother: Come along children. (Waves and leads them off stage right).

Hansel: I forgot to pick up the pebbles on the way back.

Gretel: (Screams) WHAT!?

Mother: Something wrong Gretel?

Gretel: Nothing mother. (Turns to her brother.) I hope you have a good memory!

Hansel: Don't worry! I brought these. (Holds the bag out to her)

Gretel: Looks inside) Gumdrops? (Sighs) Well it's better than nothing. Maybe if some animals try to eat them they'll choke.

Hansel: That's the spirit!

Narrator: And with a crisis seemingly averted they began with their usual routine of leaving a path to follow back home. They traveled far and hours, growing weary and Hansel hungrier by the minuet. His empty belly twisted in pain as he watched his sister drop sweet after sweet. His will began to break and his logic began to fly off with out him. He began to convince himself that he had just as sharp a memory when it came to directions as his mother, but little did he realize, he took after his father who could get lost in a cul-de-sac and had actually died in it. He carefully looked up to his sister then behind him and smiled. When Gretel's arm moved back to drop another piece of candy, instead of watching it fall to the ground Hansel reached out and caught it then quickly wolfed it down followed by the next and the next. By the time the dysfunctional family had reached a clearing only a few of the gumdrops were left. They carried on with their usual act of trust and ignorance and parted ways for the fifth time.

Gretel: (Looks towards the sky) We should try to head back before it gets dark.

Hansel: Um yeah…(looks towards the ground, backing away from her) About that.

Gretel: (Crossing her arms) What happened?

Hansel: Well, I got hungry and sort of ate the trail.

Gretel: (screams) What?! How much did you eat?

Hansel: (Counts on his fingers) What would two hours worth be?

Gretel: Too much! How are we going to get home? We'll be lost forever and get eaten by wolves like that girl in the red hood!

Hansel: Actually I think she lived through that.

Gretel: Who cares? (Throws up her arms and walks around.) We're going to die out here.

Hansel: Well, look at the bright side, instead of a slow painful death of starvation we can die a quick painless death of

Gretel: What, wild animals; eating poison berries; starvation!? Really, take your pick.

Hansel: Poison berries sound great.

Gretel: (Rolls her eyes and walks off)

Hansel: I was kidding! Hey, if we're going to wander through the forest what sense would it make to go back to her? We're better off on our own.

Gretel: True, but fair warning to you. I only have to out run you, not the danger.

Hansel: Love you too.

Narrator: The siblings did as anyone did in the forest and walked in one direction for hours on end, passing a cave of greedy dwarves, a tower with no door and a mold covered field until they reached a very strange house.

Gretel: Who makes a house out of jerky and pie?

Hansel: A genius! (Runs over and starts to munch through a corner.)

Gretel: Hansel stop! That could be full of badly prepared mushrooms!

Hansel: Don't care. Pie good. (keeps eating then suddenly pauses)

Gretel: Hansel?

Hansel: (Burps then keeps eating) This is so good!

Gretel: (sighs and approaches the house, pulling off a bit of jerky.) Could be worse.

Narrator: Just then, the door to the home flew open and an ancient warlock stepped out. The children, startled, jumped back and huddle together shaking.

Warlock: Who do you think you are eating my house?

Hansel: (Gulps) Hungry sir.

Warlock: You don't look Hungarian!

Gretel: No, he means we're two starving children lost in the woods and in search of a place to stay.

Warlock: Oh, why didn't you say so?

Gretel: His mind goes on a holiday when food is near by.

Hansel: I call it having my priorities in order.

Warlock: (Steps back and holds the door open.) Well, come in. I have plenty to eat. You can stay as long as you want.

Hansel: Sweet! (Walks forward but is pulled back)

Gretel: We'll stay through the night but that's it. I don't trust this guy.

Hansel: You're being paranoid. (Walks into the house pulling his sister along) Whoa! You need a housekeeper.

Scene: Before Hansel and Gretel is a cluttered house piled high with old books, cauldrons, and dust. The windows are barely visible through the dirt and the floor is indiscernible.

Gretel: Or a new house. (steps over a toadstool). When was the last time you cleaned this place?

Warlock: Let's see. (Rubs his chin) The Romans had just left so, a long time, but enough about my poor cleaning habits. You two are starving!

Narrator: With using his ancient magic, the Warlock waved a hand across a table and the clutter was replaced by a lavish meal fit for a king.

Hansel: (His jaw drops) I think my heart stopped. (Sits down and begins to eat.)

Gretel: After all of that it will.

Warlock: (Watches Hansel eat.) He can certainly eat! He'd probably eat a whole horse if given the chance.

Gretel: He tried and failed.

Warlock: I'm starting to reconsider my charitable act.

Gretel: Then I'll work for you as payment.

Warlock: Are you certain of this? What could you, a mere girl, do to aid me?

Gretel: (Sits back and thinks for a moment) I could do a little cleaning for you.

Warlock: Hmm, it has been ages since I last saw my rug, I can't even remember what color it was. (Rubs his chin) Agreed. For every ten pounds you two eat, you will do one chore. (He held out his hand to Gretel and they shake on it)

Narrator: So it began, Gretel would clean the floors and pause to eat then clean some more as her brother continued to devour every morsel. It seemed that nothing could tame his hunger or quench his thirst. With each passing dish, Gretel was given one more thing to clean and Hansel's middle began to expand, weighing down the chair he sat in. The poor children were so unaware of the trick being played on them. Hansel would never stop eating for the pies and jerky had turned his stomach into a bottomless pit. The only act to temporarily halt the movement of food to his lips was exhaustion. Late into the evening the boy finally collapsed and was drug into the children's room. Gretel soon followed, arms weak from cleaning and falls on the bed close to Hansel's and tries to sleep but her worried mind keeps her awake.

Warlock: (Stands looking around his house with his arms crossed.) I've never seen the place so clean, and hey my rug is…orange? (Groans) What was I thinking? (Shrugs and walks close to the children's door) Oh well. I'll sell it when I eat that fat kid and get rid of his twiggy sister. Too bad really; she makes a great maid.

Narrator: shocked, Gretel shoots out of bed, tries to wake her brother but he groans, and turns over. Helpless, she realizes that she is far too tired to run as well and gives into sleep, promising that they will escape from this place or die trying. The following morning Gretel is first to rise and begins to pull her brother out of bed.

Gretel: Hansel, come on. We're getting out of here! (Tries to hold him up but he weighs too much.)

Hansel: (Yawns) Breakfast time already?

Gretel: No we have to get out of here! (Walks him towards the door) The Warlock is a bad man he's

Narrator: The door suddenly flies open and the warlock stands in their path, arms crossed, a slight grin on his face.

Warlock: Going to what?

Hansel: (Stands on his won and makes towards the table) She was probably going to say something crazy like eat us. As if! Only witches eat kids. (Begins to stuff his face once more)

Warlock: (Laughs nervously then looks to Gretel) I feel like baking a new pie. Be a dear and start up the oven for me.

Gretel: (Stands her ground) Why don't you use magic instead? I have far too many things to clean and an oven would make the house very hot.

Warlock: A pie just doesn't have the right kick to it if it's not made by hand and with love. So chop to it! (Claps his hands.)

Gretel: Looks to Hansel then approaches the oven in the foreground, filling it with firewood and lighting it.) There, it should be ready in a half an hour or so.

Warlock: Nods and smiles.

Narrator: Gretel soon returned to her cleaning, keeping a watchful eye on her brother as he ate to his heart's content, crushing the chair beneath his tremendous weight. It seemed that nothing could save these poor souls from their fate or the warlock's sense in decorating as another orange rug was found. The Warlock began to hover around Hansel now, pinching at his arms with a grin on his twisted face.

Warlock: Oh Gretel, it seems the fire is dieing down, would you mind fetching more kindling? There should be an axe in the shed out back.

Gretel: (Throws the broom down and growls) Yes sir. (She turns to leave stage right. She finds the axe and it is too heavy to carry at first.) I can use this on that nutcase and get my brother out of there! (Smiles and drags it back with a few blocks of wood.) I brought some firewood.

Warlock: (Is bent in front of the open oven and reaches behind him for a block of wood.) Great now give it here.

Gretel: (looks to the wood then the axe. She pulls on the axe.) Too heavy!

Warlock: How heavy can a little piece of

Narrator: Just then, in a desperate attempt at freedom Gretel takes her boot to the Warlock's rear end and kicks him into the oven the closes the door on him. His screams of agony pierced the tranquility of the forest and with his last breath; the curse on Hansel was broken. The young boy sat back, holding his gut and beginning to shrink.

Gretel: (Sits on the floor by the table, staring at he oven)

Hansel: (Eyes wide in realization) He was really going to…

Gretel: Yes

Hansel: But I thought only witches do that!

Gretel: Well, apparently they both do.

Hansel: Oh, that is bogus! (Crosses his arms) So what do we do now?

Gretel: (Stands, shaking her head) There is no we. I'm going to have a nice meal and you are going to work off all that extra weight tubby! (Pokes him in the stomach)

Hansel: Oh, I hate you!

Gretel: (Smiles sweetly) I love you too.

Narrator: In a few years time Hansel had finally worked off all that weight and became a messenger for a lavish kingdom and the fastest man in Germany. Gretel, after joining a band of gypsies, wandered to the Fareast and took up martial arts in a tiny monastery. Both Hansel and Gretel's lives connect one last time as they check on their old home in the Black Forest. Finding it in ruin, with no trace of their mother they part ways again and live to happy old age.


End file.
